Snob Blog

I’m buying Christmas, Hanukkah, Family Day, Kwanzaa, White Elephant, Secret Santa, unfortunate winter birthdays, and first-year together gifts–for anyone this year. I have ideas for my coworkers, neighbours, and brothers-in-law. I’m not rich, but I woke up to something unsettling earlier this November. While I drowned in hatred and suspicion, I also saw the reflection of my anger. A complete 180- I saw immense love for those I COULD trust. Slowly, as I peered into the reflection, it drew me closer until I fell into the pond. I’m still in there, filled with the need to show how much I love everyone in my community. Out of this sea of love (and just a hint of retail therapy), I bring you my gift ideas.

These are highly detailed curated picks, not lazy picks from the online IKEA marketplace. I went on-site over multiple weeks to feel the quality for myself. And for you. I did the prep work needed (I took a massive bong rip) and let nothing get in my way of walking the labyrinth of the storeroom. I paused at every possible gift idea: the ugliest lion plushie, the most neutral flatware set, boxes to file documents, etc., until I found the best gifts for 2024. These gift guides are categorised into Gifts for the Homestead-y, Gifts for the Bold and Quirky, and Gifts for Lovers of Nosferatu. Each item is handpicked with love.

If you’re reading this, you have a complicated relationship with someone you love. You are buying a gift for the woman-incel in your life this holiday season. It’s okay; I will look the other way while you give a gift to your red scare-loving bestie until January begins–then I wanna see real change. Ivy Wolk has been irritating my eyes with her small role in Anora, so there is a time limit to my understanding.

Alas, we all have a bit of cottage core in us. Who did not entertain themselves with the idolisation of Lolita and Lana’s Born to Die Era? Let your freak flag fly. In your home, no one can see you baking cookies for your boyfriend, who feels like your hubby because you guys have moved in together too early. God speed. 

1. KLIPPOXEL – $24.99
   1. throw, blue, 51×67 “, 1.75 pound
2. ÅKERNEJLIKA – $19.99
   1. If the beautifully simple embroidery doesn’t get you, The back fabric tying everything together will.
      • cushion cover, white embroidery, 20×20 “, 11 ounce
3. KRYPLJUNG – $14.99
   1. cushion cover, natural, 19×19 “, 12 ounce
      • Tiny Tassels. That’s all.
4. GRODDSVINGEL – $499.99
   1. rug, low pile, multicolor/handmade, 5 ‘ 7 “x7 ‘ 10 “, 23.94 pound
5. BORSTTÅTLAR – $279.99
   1. rug, flatwoven, handmade/geometric blue, 5 ‘ 7 “x7 ‘ 10 “, 12.31 pound
6. DOFTMYSKGRÄS – $1,199.99
   1. rug, low pile, red floral pattern/handmade, 5 ‘ 7 “x7 ‘ 10 “, 36.38 pound
      • If you got it like that, this rug will liven up your space like no other. Talk about luxury….
7. PILGULDMAL – $4.99/ 2 pack
   1. guest towel, dark grey-blue/white, 12×20 “, 5 ounce
      • The geometric design takes these guest towels from bland to Scandinavian
8. STAVREBY – $29.99
   1. door mat, handmade/natural, 2 ‘ 0 “x2 ‘ 11 “, 7.12 pound
      • Natural and Complex.
9. KOLDBY – $159.99
   1. cowhide, brown, 9.94 pound
      • The natural cow provides warmth to a cold floor, visually and literally
10. ULLERSLEV – $39.99
    1. sheepskin, off-white, 2 ‘ 4 “, 1.25 pound
       • This smaller rug is natural sheepskin, perfect for a luxurious bath mat or desk rug. I currently have mine on the back of my desk chair.
11. SVINDINGE – $19.99
    1. rug, beige, 1 ‘ 10 “x2 ‘ 9 “, 1.19 pound
       • I LOVE to place these smaller rugs on the backs of my chairs for extra warmth, and style.
12. TOLKNING – $89.99
    1. Laundry basket on wheels, handmade Willow, 8 gallon
       • Much larger in person

I love how good your eye is; you allow it to be goofy. That doesn’t mean you want the quirk without the quality, though, and each piece reflects that. What’s the fun in something so cheap it’ll head straight into the landfill before its first anniversary?

You own your style like a suburban clown; stripes everywhere because they’re slimming. A bright red clock so you don’t miss ANY second. And please, before you head back out to the dancefloor, take some advice from the Party Girl herself and wear your shades.

1. VÅGSJÖN (Bright Blue)
   1. bath sheet, bright blue, 39×59 “, 1.38 pound
      • $9.99
   2. Bath towel, bright blue, 28×55 ”
      • $4.99
   3. Hand towel, bright blue, 16×28 ”
      • $3.99
   4. Washcloth, bright blue, 12×12 ”
      • $3.99/ pack of four
2. VÅGSJÖN (Bright Pink)
   1. Bath sheet, bright pink, 39×59 ”
      • $9.99
   2. Bath towel, bright pink, 28×55 ”
      • $4.99
   3. Hand towel, bright pink, 16×28 ”
      • $3.99
   4. Washcloth, bright pink, 12×12 ”
      • $3.99/ pack of four
3. PLUTTIS – $9.99
   1. wall clock, red, 11 “, 15 ounce
      • This clock may be controversial in the way the font and color combo make it so C U N T.
4. IKEA PS 1995 – $39.99
   1. clock, blue, 19 “, 7.5 pound
      • They’re bringing back this iconic IKEA clock, now in blue! The front door of this clock swings open to reveal hidden shelves. Perfect for jewellery, weed stashes, condoms, or anything else you can think to hide from someone who doesn’t understand magnets!
5. KLIPPOXEL – $24.99
   1. throw, orange/bright pink, 51×67 “, 1.75 pound
      • I may or may not have bought two for myself, this is a throw that is definitely going to be sold out sooner than later. Extraordinarily soft and bright in colour.
6. PLUFSIG – $39.99/ea
   1. folding gym mat, pink/red, 30 3/4×72 7/8 “, 3.5 pound
   2. Folding gym mat, green, 30 3/4×72 7/8 “
   3. Folding gym mat, blue, 30 3/4×72 7/8 ”
      • $40 is low; consider buying all three for more color and better surfaces for tuck rolls and playful wrestling.
7. IDGRAN
   1. cushion cover, stripe/pink green, 20×20 “, 5 ounce
      • $12.99
   2. cushion cover, green, 20×20 “, 5 ounce
      • $9.99
8. JÄTTEBJÖRK – $34.99
   1. cushion cover, diamond pattern/white, 26×26 “, 2.19 pound
9. SKOTERLED – $59.99
   1. rug, low pile, dark yellow/dark grey, 4 ‘ 4 “x6 ‘ 5 “, 10.62 pound
10. KLASSRUM – $79.99
    1. rug, flatwoven, white/green, 4 ‘ 4 “x6 ‘ 5 “, 7.94 pound
11. VÄGSKYLT – $12.99
    1. door mat, pink/orange, 2 ‘ 0 “x2 ‘ 11 “, 2.06 pound
12. CIRKUSTÄLT – $24.99
    1. children’s tent, red/blue white, 2.81 pound
       • Check out the measurements on the official Ikea post—this thing is excellent for children of all ages and professions. Personally? It’s my new weed cave.
13. ÄRTBUSKE – $16.99
    1. vase/watering can, bright green, 9 ½ “, 1.12 pound
       • Obsessed doesn’t cut it. This watering can is sturdy as fuck—talk about functional art.

You are weird. I know you are enjoying the psychosexual thrillers that have been lighting up the theatres recently, a direct response to the prudeness America is retreating into. The more disgusting and romantic, the better. I know you’ll love the thick textures of the pillows and become hypnotised by the patterns of the rugs.

You’re a fan of the luxurious, borderline erotic; the quality could be pornographic. Let these gift ideas wash over your body like warm blood falling from a freshly sliced throat. Channel Isabelle Adjani as you imagine a creature who loves you perfectly, would go out with you and your friends, and dresses well–a sexy fantasy. 

1. SLÅNHÖSTMAL
   • Bath sheet, black/light beige stripe, 39×59 “, 1.38 pound
     • $11.99
   • Bath towel, black/light beige stripe, 28×55 ”
     • $6.99
   • Hand towel, black/light beige stripe, 16×28 “, 4 ounce
     • $3.99
       • Such a magnetizing pattern—black and off-white creme makes these towels hauntingly beautiful.
2. PIPRANKA – $9.99
   • cushion cover, dark blue, 20×20 “, 6 ounce
3. ASPSAFTMAL – $14.99
   • cushion cover, white/black, 20×20 “, 13 ounce
     • Looks like spiders, but I promise they’re just tassels.
4. VÄGVISARE – $16.99
   • cushion cover, grey, 20×20 “, 10 ounce
5. NICKGRÄS – $399.99
   • rug, flatwoven, multicolor/handmade, 5 ‘ 7 “x7 ‘ 10 “, 10.94 pound
6. VAMDRUP – $149.99
   • rug, flatwoven, handmade/multicolor, 2 ‘ 7 “x6 ‘ 7 “, 3.88 pound
     • Hypnotizing, right?
7. MÄVINN – $24.99
   • rug, stripe multicolor, 2 ‘ 0 “x2 ‘ 11 “, 1.12 pound
8. VÄGVISARE – $19.99
   • rug, dark grey, 2 ‘ 2 “x3 ‘ 1 “, 1.56 pound
9. GULLVIVA – $24.99
   • rug, white, 1 ‘ 10 “x2 ‘ 9 “, 1.25 pound
10. ÅKERBÄR – $29.99
    • greenhouse, indoor/outdoor/anthracite, 25 ½ ”
      • My partner doesn’t believe he can get a greenhouse for less than $100, I’m telling you, this thing is worth more than that price tag.
11. KOLDBY – $159.99
    • cowhide, black, 9.94 pound
    • cowhide, black/white, 9.94 pound
      • All-natural cowhide, extremely shiny coats.

Thank you for joining me on another intoxicating walk through the aisles of IKEA, running your fingers along the sheepskin rugs with me. My favourite part was getting a hotdog at the end and sharing the Swedish fountain drink with you. Now, let’s pretend that this haul is for our loved ones and not early holiday shopping for ourselves. Hejdå!